Things SG Teams are No Longer Allowed to Do
by caffinebunny
Summary: Just a little comic relief around the SGC. Everyone needs to have a little fun. Rated K becuase they're reading naughty books... Darn Jarheads. Darn Flyboys. And the civilians aren't much better.
1. Chapter 1

This was inspired by Skippy the list writer. If you haven't read '213 Things Skippy Can't Do', go Google it. As my bio states, do not take potables with you to read the list. If you do take potables, do not come whining to me when you wreck your nose and keyboard simultaneously by snorting whatever you were consuming down it. I am not responsible for laughter-induced injuries.

I claim no ownership of Stargate and no responsibility for Skippy's list. SG-11 are my little poppets, so if you want to play with them, ask first.

**Things SG Teams are No Longer Allowed to do Off World.**

Colonel Jack O'Neill frowned as he saw the piece of paper tacked to the notice board. It had a single line of writing on it, which looked suspiciously like his adopted daughter's.

1. Do not tease the Jaffa.

That was it. No explanation. He did, however, suspect that it had something to do with her sprained wrist and De Lint's broken ankle, not to mention the whole team's smattering of tiny burns, the result of running from Jaffa hitting the scenery as they bolted for the gate. With a smirk, he continued back up to the surface, intent on enjoying his days off.

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When he returned on Monday morning, the list had been added to in his 2IC's writing.

1a. Not even if Colonel O'Neill did. It's not big, it's not clever and Janet will get her revenge.

He was a little insulted. He didn't tease Jaffa. Did he? Damn if she wasn't right about Napoleon's revenge though, he decided.

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From then on, it seemed like every time he passed the board, the list had been added to. The next one to show up was in the writing of the second in command of SG-9. Their sergeant was currently recovering from the bite of an off world rodent, which had turned out to have similar effects to the psychedelic drugs of the 1960s.

2. No, I may not keep it as a pet.

He had to agree with the list. Off world was a bad place to look for a pet. A trend seemed to have been set by Daniel's encounter with the cow-thing on Abydos.

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The following morning, he discovered his team had been at it again. "Damnit, Daniel," he muttered wryly, reading the snarky scrawl.

3. If it looks like a public urinal, chances are it is one. The archaeologists and translators do not need detailed pictures of the wall art. If they need more detail, they will ask.

He knew exactly which team had been the cause of the one. Feretti and co had taken the time to show him the file they were planning to launch at the archaeologist. He was keeping a gleeful eye out for the revenge he knew would not be long in coming.

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The next three rules had appeared in quick succession. He didn't recognise the writing of the first two, but the third was General Hammond's neat print.

4. Peanut butter is to stay in the commissary.

4a. As is the hazelnut spread.

4b. No condiments beyond ketchup in sachets are to be taken off world by order of General Hammond. I am not kidding, people.

He lifted an eyebrow, doing a fair impression of Teal'c. Why hadn't he thought of that one? But then, he supposed that given so many people on Earth were allergic to the wretched things, they couldn't be sure off-worlders didn't have the same allergies.

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His next view of the list was almost a whole week later. The list had grown by a full five items, all of which, he conceded, made a certain degree of sense when applied to the SGC. The first one was Loran's handwriting. He considered it, then decided that it was probably a good idea.

5. The full, illustrated version of the Karma Sutra is not a suitable example of Earth art and culture.

Full version of the Karma Sutra on base? Hmm… The next one was Walter from the gate room.

6. The UAV is not a toy.

How many times had the man told new technicians that? He was right though. The things were expensive, and teams had to keep retrieving them, too. He glanced down. Another one from the archaeologists?

7. Please see the list of banned "cultural" items that are no longer allowed through the gate. This list is posted in the infirmary and commissary and will be kept up to date. Please keep checking back.

List? He'd have to go see if there really was one. He hoped so. It seemed that people were really getting into _this_ list, so why not others?

The next item made him laugh out loud.

8. Today is _not_ a good day to die, by order of the Joint Chiefs.

That could _not_ be General Jumper's writing, could it? Oh dear. Yes, it probably was. And the one under it was SG-11 again.

9. Do not tease the mob of club wielding locals.

What had they done this time? No, wait, scratch that. He really didn't want to know.

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He caught Daniel writing the next one.

10. Proselytising is forbidden.

He raised his eyebrows at the civilian, who shrugged and smirked sheepishly.

"Kinsey?" Jack asked.

"Kinsey," Daniel agreed.

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He knew about the next one before it was written. He had been in the infirmary talking to an injured Sam and Daniel when SG-7 had hobbled in. Janet had asked what had happened, before curtly informing them that they would be starring on the list. And there they were.

11. In light of recent injuries, no member of an SG team is allowed to take "candy" off world unless they brought enough for everybody.

He had to laugh.

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Ooops. The next one was from the pen of General Hammond. He seemed a little less than pleased, and Jack couldn't help but wonder who had caused it.

12. Do not take internal problems through the gate.

A definite no-no. Dirty laundry stayed private.

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Hammond again, and caused by SG-6 this time. Their CO was a little annoyed with her 2IC at the moment.

13. Team members are not to be introduced by their radio call-signs. You know who you are, people.

The man was new to the SGC, but it was no excuse. Disliking serving under a woman was likely to cause more problems for him than anyone else though.

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Four days later, after he got out of the infirmary, three new entries had appeared. SG-11 and Captain Brooks was first up.

14. No team member will step through the gate wearing any item of clothing with a visible brand name or allegedly amusing slogan.

Looked like he would be talking to a certain Marine Lieutenant about the rule about black t-shirts.

The next two were by the same writer, but in two different inks. It made him wonder exactly what had happened.

15. Items on the banned list will not be slipped into team-mates bags for commanding officers to find on random bag searches.

15a. Nor into the bags of other SG teams about to go off world. Not even if you bet against them on the Superbowl final and lost.

Betting on the Superbowl? That could only involve Feretti and co. He had answers.

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The next one to appear prompted him to make his own addition. In response to:

16. Getting out safe is better than getting revenge. If you get out, you can bring back reinforcements.

He wrote:

17. No-one gets left behind.

With a satisfied nod, he went home for the night.

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On his return the next morning, he found that his entry had been underlined by at least two different people. It made him smile all the way up to SG-1's embarkation to P3X-784.

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On their return, it seemed that duct tape was being greatly abused. He was almost sorry that he had missed it.

18. Duct tape is not a cure all.

18a. It is conceded that duct tape may be used to cure certain mechanical problems.

18b. Duct tape may not be used to ensure that no civilian personnel are lost.

18c. Anyone requiring duct tape for legitimate purposes will be required to fill out a requisition form with the signatures of two senior officers.

That last one looked interesting. He counted as a senior officer, didn't he?

That led to another entry appearing mere hours later, in Sam's writing:

18d. Colonel O'Neill is no longer allowed to sign duct tape requisitions at the request of SG-1 and Major Feretti.

And a second one in Daniel's.

18d. A list of banned uses of duct tape is kept next to the list of forbidden items. This list is also kept up to date.

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Jack blinked. Nope. It still read the same.

19. "It followed me home!" is no excuse.

He wasn't even going to speculate about that one.

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The next one wasn't Brooks, surprisingly, but Major Edwards of SG-15, who had made the mistake of borrowing not only De Lint and Hamilton, but Spades too.

20. Marching cadences are not to be sung off-world unless said planet has been proven to be uninhabited in the region of the Stargate.

He smiled proudly; glad to see that paint peeling cadences were still _en vogue_. So, it seemed were other songs.

20a. No songs that have their origins in team sports or bars are permitted to be sung on off-world missions.

Now what would they teach the new recruits?

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Feretti, it seemed, had got an over-eager new recruit.

21. "Why" is not a question your commander wants to hear.

That would cause a couple of problems at least. Specifically, two tall, blonde problems, who were both on his team.

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Twenty minutes later, one of the aforementioned problems had already posted a rebuttal. At least, on behalf of the civilians on base.

21a. The civilian staff would like it noted that they are paid to ask "why". Also, "how?", "how many?", "you want it to do what?" and "do you speak insert language here ?"

He smirked and went in search of pie.

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That's it for now, cos it's late and I'm going to bed now because some of us work for a living…. There may be more. There may not. If you have suggestions, please EMAIL them to me. DO NOT PUT THEM IN REVIEWS. That would be an interactive story, and they are verboten in these parts.

Proselytising is trying to convert people to a way of thinking, mainly religious or political.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm so glad so many of you enjoyed the first chapter of this! I wasn't totally sure about posting it, but it seems to have gone down really well! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and thanks to my two unsigned reviewers, Anonymous and life savers r yummy who I couldn't reply to through ffn.

I don't own these guys or the Smurfs, and worship "Princess Anastasia" (aka Specialist Schwarz, aka Skippy), author of "213 things…" Thanks to Anonymous for the suggestion for the last one in this chapter.

This one is Sam's POV

_**Edit 16/03/2006: **#23 I should have credited to MajelB, authoress of the Photochick series. Being the happy little cabbage I am, I was going to look it up and then promptly forgot. So I'm giving credit now and hoping she doesn't take offence and smite me!_

**More Things SG teams are No Longer Allowed to Do**

Major Samantha Carter tucked her motorbike helmet under her arm and sauntered over to the notice board. There had been another entry since she signed out the previous evening. It was just two words, in the handwriting of one of the scientists who, three days ago had been ecstatic at being allowed to go off world for the first time.

22. Rivers. Don't.

Frowning slightly, she resolved to ask Janet what had happened. The petite doctor always had the inside skinny on any happenings on base.

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She and Daniel were heading for the surface with a thermos of coffee and a scratch pad for a brainstorming session when they saw the next one. Almost as one, they winced. That had been why General Hammond had been heard shouting earlier.

23. Camera films must be developed ON BASE. I should not have had to say this, people.

"Ouch," Daniel murmured.

"You can say that again," Sam agreed. "Wonder who it was."

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The next two to appear both had their origins in the same incident. The sergeant of SG-8 had made the mistake of pulling a practical joke on their new linguist, and the linguist had retaliated for all to see. Which had led to the next two rules.

24. Revenge for practical jokes is not to occur off world.

That had been the CO of the team, exasperated at his sergeant's behaviour, not to mention the follow-up from the linguist.

25. Unless you are certain what the ritual entails, do not volunteer to participate. Woad is a very good natural dye, the main property of which is its indelibility.

Sergeant Matthews had a good couple of weeks of looking like a Smurf to look forward to.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The next entry Sam saw, she knew the cause of. One of the Marines had taken a comic book with him, and had made the mistake of allowing the natives of the planet the team had been visiting to see it. The natives had promptly tried to burn SG-13 - unlucky for some - as heretics.

26. A list of banned books is now posted alongside the list of banned items and the list of banned uses of duct tape.

Janet had not been happy, so Sam had been in the fortunate position of hearing all about it.

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The next one puzzled her. It was the Colonel's writing, but she had no clue who it was referring to.

27. Perimeter checks are not just a good idea in potentially hostile territory. They are, in fact, regulation. Even if it _is_ snowing.

At least three teams had been to planets where the gate was in a polar region, and not one of the teams would have ever neglected to do patrols. There must be some way to get gossip out of Jack. Maybe she could bribe Daniel to do it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Sam grinned as she read Daniel's revenge for all the times Jack had yelled at him for touching things without translating them thoroughly first.

28. If the linguist says don't touch, don't touch.

Jack had been lucky that Teal'c had body checked him away from the device, but it made guessing who had written the rebuttal far too easy, in Sam's opinion. It did, however, take the list onto its second sheet of paper.

28a. If your CO tells you not to touch, for the love of all that's holy, leave it alone. Don't I have enough grey hairs?

She left for the evening smiling to herself.

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Sam had been present when SG-10 brought back a very pretty little girl of about four from P9X-386. She was clinging to their linguist's hand and staring about her with huge brown eyes. Her arrival had prompted General Hammond to write the next rule.

29. Gambling is forbidden.

The girl was currently living with the self-same linguist and his wife and two sons, and they showed no sign of giving her up to anybody.

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The next three had shown up while SG-1 had been off world. The first was of indeterminate origin, someone obviously hot on anonymity - the line had been printed out and glued on.

30. The lyrics to Beatles songs are not to be sung in front of the natives. Especially those to "Yellow Submarine" and "I am the Walrus."

The second was definitely Captain Brooks of SG-11. Maybe she should hint to Jack that he should speak to Aysa about her knives….

31. Non-regulation weapons are to have plausible deniability.

The next one was Aysa's writing, quite probably the result of a conversation with one or both of SG-11's sergeants.

31a. Tommy guns are not possessed of plausible deniability.

Sam agreed wholeheartedly with that. It wouldn't have needed to be stated so explicitly anywhere else, but this _was_ the SGC.

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Janet had added the next one, she had told Sam. One young Marine had thought it a good idea to spike a colleague's canteen before a mission.

32. Canteens are for water only.

Though the next one had, it seemed, been the result of discussions about the previous entry.

32a. Not all clear liquid is water.

And of course, someone _had_ to try to bring unusual drinks back through the gate. They wouldn't be military if they didn't, she supposed.

32b. Mandatory canteen checks will be carried out before travelling through the gate in any direction unless the return trip is made under fire.

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She caught Jack writing the next one, a silly smirk on his face.

33. Home-made rounds are not permitted unless you have undergone the appropriate training courses.

"Don't ask," he told her. "Just… don't ask." And wandered off, whistling.

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The next one to appear was in the writing of one of the nurses.

34. Liquorice whips are not permitted on base at any time.

It related, according to Janet, fount of all knowledge, to the current craze for having running battles with mint imperials, and being able to cause some really good welts with a mere flick of the wrist if the right type of liquorice were used.

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34a. Or cherry bootlaces.

So the original rule hadn't stopped them, then. It would have been far simpler to ban mint imperials, but in certain departments they were practically currency.

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34b. Or custard powder, unless it is in the commissary.

Not touching that one with a ten-foot pole, Sam decided. She had seen De Lint and Hamilton with the super-soakers, had carefully turned around, and had walked the other way.

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Loranhad written another. He had been seconded to a team of Marines, who he had advised not to eat certain dishes. Being hungry marines, they had tried some of everything, leaving a very resigned young man explaining to General Hammond why four experienced officers were rolling around, clutching their bellies.

35. If you are unsure what something is, make polite excuses and DO NOT EAT IT.

He had also promptly requested never to be sent off world again.

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Oh, honestly, Sam thought, reading the next couple. Are they really that daft?

36. Do not accept herbal remedies while off world.

It went without saying. You did not accept drugs from strangers. Unless you had just eaten something toxic and the locals had the remedy. She exchanged a glance with Teal'c over the next one as well.

37. Flora is not to be brought back except as specimens in the appropriate containers.

That would be the pollen that had caused both Janet and Daniel to go into paroxysms of hay fever. The general had been none too pleased to have his CMO and the head of the civilian staff taken out by someone who had picked a pretty flower.

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Sniggering to herself, Sam took a pen with her as she left her lab. Checking that no-one was around, she made her own addition to the list.

38. Glass bottles are not to be taken off world.

Thankfully it had been a training mission, and thankfully no-one had been injured, but it had served Lieutenant Pierce right when he had opened his pack to discover that his bottle of posh mineral water had shattered, soaking his clothes and coating them in shards of glass.

He had gone on to order that it not appear on 'that wretched list', so here she was. Apparently having had a similar idea, Daniel emerged from the elevator and stood next to her. Then, careful it didn't smudge the black ink, he ran a shocking pink high-lighter over the rule so that no-one could miss it.

Wordlessly, they went their separate ways.

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Daniel had obviously not left the mountain last night. The next team had been scheduled to arrive back at 0430 hours, and if the next rule was a result of that, she might just have to get Janet involved.

39. If in doubt, do not point and laugh at the person in the funny hat. Funny hats often conceal tribal leaders and shamen.

Some days, it really didn't do to speculate.

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Hmmm… I'm not too sure about some of these. They might get altered slightly (or totally) at a later date. Let me know which you think could use improvement. I'm planning a Teal'c chapter and a Daniel chapter. If I get enough entries, it might be stretched to include General Hammond or Dr Fraiser too…


	3. Chapter 3

Gwah! Thank you guys so much! 42 reviews and over 1000 hits! Thanks too, to my unsigned reviewers, Deamon Fire (post the threats anyway! I have a younger brother to deal with!), Andi, the really anonymous person with no name, Alix - your one is 47! - and Angie Smigelski.

For those who commented on it, I meant Loran, not Narim. Narim is a Tollan, Loran was the kid they found in the Goa'uld "opium den" in "The Light" and while I'm not exactly sure what happened to him, I decided that he would probably have stayed at the SGC. I've corrected my goof...

Anyone who would like to use one of these little skits to launch a story from, please go ahead unless SG-11 are involved. (They are Brooks, Spades, Hamilton and De Lint, and they're my babies, who appear in my story arc that contains "How Boromir didn't Die" amongst other stories.)

I own nothing you recognise! (GW and X-Files appear here too)

**Still More Things SG teams are No Longer Allowed to Do**

Teal'c had been aware of the list since shortly after it had been posted. He had recognised one or two of the incidents which had prompted entries, but this one in General Hammond's writing puzzled him.

40. The red phone is not a toy.

The only red phone he was aware of was in General Hammond's office, which was often locked when the General was off base. He resolved to ask O'Neill about it later. It sounded to be the sort of thing O'Neill would be able to explain to him.

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Another entry. This one needed no explaining. It was in the handwriting of Major Paul Davis, and from what Teal'c could tell, referred to various Earth literature.

41. In reports, the SGC is to be referred to as Project Blue Book or Cheyenne Mountain, not "The Rabbit Hole", "Wonderland", "The Bomb Pit" or "The Ninth Circle of Hell".

He knew at least four people in the SGC who would use such language in report writing to annoy their superiors.

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He did not recognise the handwriting of the next one he saw, but agreed whole-heartedly.

42. Do not tease the MPs.

The MPs at the SGC seemed to work harder than anyone else. It was difficult to keep complete order in such stressful environments, and the officers assigned to the task should be supported in their role.

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Another puzzling phrase. Kindergarten was a place young persons new to school were put. It was a logical use of the phrase, surely.

43. Training sessions for new recruits to the SGC are not to be referred to as "kindergarten" or similar.

The 'or similar' did suggest that the person who had written this entry was wise to the way others stopped using a specific phrase but found others to substitute. If he had to guess, he would pin this one on Lieutenant Stacey, whose younger brother had just joined the SGC in one of these training groups.

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The list had been updated again by the time SG-1 returned to base from their week's downtime.

44. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. A girl's best friend is a rifle and a full clip.

From past experience, he knew that some of the cultures the SG teams encountered had views of women that were as archaic as their languages. Obviously, another one had surfaced. It seemed to be the type of incident that would go through the rumour mill as well.

Teal'c went to find out.

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He had heard about the new entry before he had seen it. Certain parties were not happy with it, Dr Fraser and Colonel O'Neill included.

45. Dr Fraser is to be referred to by her correct title, not "Napoleon" or any other dictator-related epithet.

The nickname gave O'Neill a relatively inoffensive thing to shout about when confined to the infirmary, and gave Dr Fraser an excuse to keep poking O'Neill with needles. Neither seemed to have a problem with the arrangement. He put it down to the new doctor who had - finally - replaced McKenzie.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Major Carter had been making entries again, he noted.

46. Special Agent Mulder is a perfectly capable FBI agent, as long as he is somewhere else.

Teal'c had - very briefly and only in passing - been introduced to the man and his petite red haired partner as O'Neill took him to the video store in Colorado Springs. The FBI agents had both been polite, and upon hearing that he and O'Neill worked in 'Project Blue Book' had indicated that they wished to speak with them about it. O'Neill had merely walked away, and Teal'c had followed him, unsure of the etiquette in such situations. It seemed that 'somewhere else' had been achieved, however.

46a. The state of Nevada does not count as "somewhere else".

He was not entirely sure, but Teal'c believed that Area 51 was in Nevada.

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It appeared, Teal'c noted as he waited for Major Carter to return from collecting something from her car, that the anti-computer attitude was in no way limited to Colonel O'Neill.

47. The M.A.L.P. is your friend. It does not need "a swift kick in the CPU". A simple re-boot will suffice.

The writing was that of one of the scientists who sometimes assisted Major Carter, thought Teal'c was unsure of which.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

General Hammond's aide was putting the final touches to a new entry when Teal'c next passed the notice board. He flushed slightly when he noticed Teal'c scrutiny and hurried off.

48. Reports are not to start "Once upon a time".

Teal'c lifted an eyebrow. He happened to know who had used that particular opening for a report, but there were apparently more people on base who did it than Colonel O'Neill. It was a disturbing thought.

48a. Or "Early one morning".

Teal'c read down further.

48b. Stores have now received a standard report form with a suitable opening sentence. Repeat offenders will be issued these forms and their names made public.

He decided that he would have to keep checking to see if there were any names given out. It would let him know if his suspicions over the culprits were correct.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The next two entries surprised him. Candy was already not allowed off world. Why would a separate entry be required.

49. Jelly babies are not to be taken off world, or made available to off world guests. Think about it, people.

He thought about the first time he had heard of the Tau'ri sweet, and decided that the writer of this rule had a point. It did sound disturbing to those who had not grown up with them. He did not see the point of the next entry, however.

50. Hurrying back from off world missions so that you can catch your favourite TV show is not permitted. Especially if you have been sent to carry out negotiations.

Teams were sent off word with a job to do. And SG-1 had taught him about video recorders, which should mean that hurrying back was unnecessary.

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Three days later, Teal'c found himself writing his own entry.

51. No-one goes off world unarmed. This includes civilians.

Luckily, it had not got that far. Teal'c had noticed their temporary civilian - Daniel Jackson was on loan to SG-4 - was not carrying her regulation sidearm, and had suggested she go collect it. She had been in the middle of her tirade about the overbearing military when Colonel O'Neill had poked his head out of the gate room to see what the hold-up was.

Teal'c had just been about to join Major Carter when General Hammond also came to see what was happening.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

That was just…disturbing. He would have attributed it to SG-11, but they were all off world at the moment. As well, the writing looked suspiciously like Feretti's.

52. Do not bite our allies.

He would have to speak with Dr Fraiser. She would know what had happened. The next part of the rule narrowed down the suspects.

52a. Do not get into prank wars with our allies.

But the final bit opened the field right back up again. Spades' friend Duo Maxwell respected neither rank nor physical threats, and could quite easily have dragged any team into one of his escapades.

52b. Even if Preventor Maxwell started it.

Teal'c headed back to his room. He had water bombs to prepare.

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Woo-ee, writing Teal'c is difficult. I'll be interested to know if anyone does want to come up with back-stories for any of these. Just to explain, my main story arc is a SG/GW crossover, but other series/fandoms crop up. The first story I've posted is actually quite a way into the arc, and crosses with LotR.


	4. Chapter 4

-1I know I promised to update yesterday, but I'd forgotten that my brother had invited me and my parents to dinner, so I was stuck eating pizza with no access to a computer. So here it is tonight. There's a wee few more notes at the bottom, but not many, because sleep is currently top of my priorities.

Anything you recognise, I don't own. Feel free to speculate on the antics of the SG teams (except SG-11, who're grounded.), and please let me know if you use any of the items as a launch pad for a fic!

**Even More Things SG Teams are No Longer Allowed to Do**

It had been entirely expected, the next entry on the list. Most of the researchers in the lab just down from Daniel's had, for the past couple of days, been showing up at his lab to beg coffee. After the first few times it happened, he had asked why, and had been more than a little surprised at the answer.

53. Do not switch the coffee to decaf.

He thought that would be the end of it, but hours later there were three new entries, one in Siler's writing and two from research assistants.

53a. Or half-caf

53b. Or any form of flavoured coffee.

53c. Or hot chocolate.

This bore looking into, and he had his suspicions about the culprit.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Twenty minutes later, he had his answer.

53d. Look, I know who who's doing it, and if it doesn't stop, I will let Dr Fraser know. She is not happy about treating caffeine withdrawal.

It wasn't the end of the matter, however. After making sure the coffee machine in the lab had the "right sort" of coffee, and after it had once again been switched, he decided enough was enough.

53e. Janet, it was Jack.

That ought to do it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When Daniel arrived the next morning, Jack had made his own addition to the list. It took Daniel some time to stop laughing at the petulant comment.

54. The list is not to be used to get revenge.

"That wasn't revenge," he muttered to himself.

There was a snort behind him. "Oh no, Danny?"

Startled, Daniel spun to see Jack leaning on the wall by the guard post. He was grinning. "Umm. Hi?" Jack grinned wider. Oh great. Just what he needed. A black-ops trained colonel out for retribution. Wonderful. Don't let him see he's got you worried. "I'll be in my office, Jack. See you later?"

"Definitely."

For some reason, Daniel really didn't like the sound of that.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

He was afraid to ask what had caused the next entry.

55. Claymores are not toys.

He didn't recognise the writing, so he had no idea if it was civilian or military, but he really thought that they trained the personnel who were allowed off world better than that…

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The next one was from Janet, and he knew exactly which Marine had been responsible for the linguist currently in the ICU.

56. Do not use flash photography, especially around members of any priesthood.

But he had no idea who had made the next two entries. They were both in the same writing, so they had evidently been made at the same time.

56a. Or tell them your 'magic box' takes pictures.

56b. Do not get caught by members of a primitive culture using devices that record images or sound.

Both good ideas. Priests got cranky about these things. The whole "it'll catch my soul" bit seemed to be a sticking point.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Whoops…

57. Zats are not a disciplinary device.

That was… Sergeant West, he thought. SG-17 had a somewhat trigger-happy captain, who didn't deal well with civilians. Or others it seemed, if the gossip about her zatting of the team's third military member had been true.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Another entry worthy of a wince. Sam leaned over his shoulder as he was trying to figure out the writing.

58. "I wonder what this does," is not something your team want to hear.

58a. Nor is "Hey! Look what happens when I do _this_!"

"The colonel hasn't been near this recently, has he?" she asked.

Daniel shook his head. "Not that I know of. I think the first one is one of Feretti's lot, but they don't usually get techie stuff like we do."

Sam considered. "Yes. But last time they came back through the gate they all looked a little singed, and Feretti was smirking fit to bust."

"And there was 'just a big pile of rubble'?"

They eyed the list speculatively, then went to corner Feretti. Blackmail material was a good commodity.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Newbies, Daniel decided. Gotta be newbies. After a couple of teams, including SG-1, had encountered problems, it had been decided that gender would be played down as much as possible off world.

59. If the natives believe you to be male because you are wearing trousers, allow them to continue to believe it.

Surprisingly, it worked very well. Even if the person was fairly obviously female, if the team didn't treat them any differently to the other members, it was usually accepted that the person in question's role was female. Now if only Dr. Selinger was allowed to publish his work…

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

On his next trip off base, Daniel had found General Hammond writing on the list. He had returned the next morning to find that not only was there an entry on the list, large square of fabric had been tacked up next to the board.

60. The Alpha site does not need a flag. Especially not that one.

'That one', self-evidently was the flag pinned to the wall. He had to agree. The crossed staff-weapon and P90 were a nice touch, but the exploding Ha'tak was a bit much. It was certainly not a flag which could be used on Earth at the moment.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Heading out for some fresh air a couple of hours later - he had been in Sam's lab when one of her experiments had decided it had behaved for long enough - he caught sight of an entry in red at the bottom of the list.

61. DO NOT ENCOURAGE THEM.

Printed in block capitals, it was impossible to guess the author. So, one of the more… excitable teams, with a CO at the end of his or her tether? No, that didn't really narrow it down either. He got the feeling that it should worry him that this could be applied to almost any team in the SGC.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"What is it with sergeants and seeing everything as a challenge?" Jack asked as SG-1 headed out for a team night of beer, pizza and movies.

62. Do not quote Edward Lear. His Nonsense poetry is on the banned list. This is not a challenge to memorise it.

Sam and Daniel glanced at each other, then back at Teal'c.

"No idea, sir," Sam told him.

Daniel shrugged. "It's banned. They have the mental age of twelve year-olds. It's not too hard to figure out."

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "Although, are you not being overly generous in your estimations, DanielJackson?"

Jack blinked at the trio, then pointedly looked at Teal'c and poked item 61.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Jack's writing again. It seemed that he really didn't like people making fun of Thor and company.

63. Do not make "little green men" jokes in the presence of the Asgard.

Personally, Daniel thought that the Asgard may be a little amused to realise that they featured so largely in Earth's culture, even if it was as the "Roswell Greys".

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Sam had written the next one. Her run in with a small lizard - and it had been very pretty - had left her delirious for hours, and Janet had taken it upon herself to blame the rest of SG-1.

64. Respect the colourful fauna. Warning colours are very pretty.

Okay, so they probably shouldn't have laughed, but Sam's shriek of surprise as she put her hand down on something cold and moving had just been too funny.

What did Janet use, anyway? Square needles?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Some wise advice had appeared by the time Daniel got back from his enforced weekend off. He wondered if they could get any of Jack's dirty tricks banned by the Geneva Convention.

65. If it looks like an altar and smells like an altar, chances are it is an altar.

Of course it is. Which reminded him…

65a. Do not ask questions during ceremonies. Priests like volunteers to be the sacrifice.

Thankfully it had not been fatal, but Major Lang would be very embarrassed for a very long time.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

What had SG-11 done this time?

66. "It was like that when I found it," is not a suitable excuse when writing a sit-rep.

Wait, no, he did know. He just wished he didn't. When would they learn that NID would eventually figure out what they - and some of the other teams - were up to? They couldn't keep hacking the database without someone noticing. And they were going to get Yuy in trouble with Colonel Une if they borrowed him every time he was on Earth.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

So that's Daniel's chapter. Some I took out to go in Janet's chapter because this one was getting too long. Thanks again to all my reviewers! Deamon Fire - What Teal'c does with the water bombs is up to him. He's bigger than me. William Dix - Thanks for 53, 64 and 65.


	5. Chapter 5

-1I'm really sorry about the delay! I was of the not well for about a week, and then I've been building furniture, which led to the sticky red fingerprints, which led to the cleaning with bleach…. Seriously, do you know exactly HOW MUCH your hands bleed if you get a couple of tiny little cuts on your knuckles?

Anyhow, I own nothing you recognise. Article 77 is Vathara inspired again, and 67, 68, 69, 70 and 71 are from Megan L. Without further ado….

**Things Janet Really Wishes SG Teams Wouldn't Do…**

"Relax," Janet heard a female voice say as she signed in at the desk just outside the lift, "it just means you're a base celebrity!"

She turned to see Dr Felger and his blonde lab assistant heading away from the notice board where the List was posted.

67. Do not encourage Dr. Felger.

Oh. Oh dear. That was Sam's handwriting. What on Earth had Felger done this time?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

After three teams had come in injured - one of them quite badly, having found a nest of Jaffa who really didn't want to rebel, thank you very much - Janet felt like a laugh. She didn't exactly get it, but she knew exactly who had written the entry.

68. In addition to the Karma Sutra, trashy romance novels and the Bhagavad-Gita are not suitable examples of Earth's culture.

Oh, wonderful. More books to ban Cassie from reading until she was at _least _twenty-five. And General Hammond wasn't happy either.

68a. The list is posted. These books are on it. This should not be happening, people.

Evidently he had recognised the writing too. Maybe she should look at testing eyesight and hearing for certain teams…

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

She really didn't want to know what had caused the next one. It hadn't appeared in her infirmary, so she really, really hoped that it had been embarrassing, rather than painful.

69. If you don't know what it is or what it does, please leave it alone.

She didn't recognise the writing though. Had they had new recruits in recently?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Yes. They had definitely had new recruits in again.

70. Claymores are labelled 'this end forward' for a reason.

Civilian ones, too, by the look of things. Better stock up on sutures. It looked like it was going to be a long few weeks…

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Oh, for…. Janet stamped off the thought that seemed to be channelling Jack O'Neill. Speculation would only lead to lack of sleep, and al she wanted to do right now was crash for twelve hours or so.

71. C-4 is not modelling clay and should be handled by military personnel only.

Maybe it was time to send Feretti and friends back to basic training. Really, they could behave just like new recruits when they put their minds to it. Worse, in fact, because new recruits at the SGC behaved impeccably mainly out of sheer terror.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Well, that was certainly an odd one. Lieutenant Wilson was on an all male team, and they hadn't deployed with any extra personnel, or been on joint operations with any other teams recently.

72. Make-up is not permitted off world.

This would stand looking into. SG-6 were due for physicals in the next couple of days. She could ask them then. Smiling in a manner which caused the young airman waiting for the lift to decide taking the stairs was a good option, she headed for the infirmary.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Lieutenant Weston, part of the science department under Major Carter had been on the receiving end of a rather nasty practical joke on his first trip off world.

73. Deep Heat ™ is not a toy.

Luckily, knowing her patients as she did, Janet kept plenty of soluble paracetamol on hand.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It looked like the civilians were feeling put-upon again.

74. Be nice to your scientists and linguists. Grunts are a dime a dozen. Specialists are hard to find.

It wasn't Daniel's writing, and she knew he had been buried in his lab for the past few hours, so she headed off to give him official warning of potential retribution.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

An hour and a half later, she was back with an entry of her own. In thick red pen, which carried the list over onto the third sheet.

75. Personal stereos are not permitted.

That was the third person she had patched up because of injuries caused when they hadn't heard a shouted warning like "edge" or in the previous - and slightly more serious - case, "Jaffa!" and she had decided that enough was enough.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Janet recognised the next writing immediately as Sergeant Siler's.

76. Do not send new personnel for "a bag of nail holes" or "a long stand".

She was with him on that one. Giving the new technicians silly requests was just unkind. If the same sort of requests were given to her nurses, she would do a sight more than make an entry on the list.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Why did the researchers get so uptight about these things?

77. The database of known Goa'uld is not to be referred to as "Goa'uldgle".

It was quite an imaginative name, especially considering some of the suggestions that had been put forward.

77a. Or "The Hit List".

Like that one.

77b. Or "The Galaxy's Most Wanted".

Or that one. Surely the Goa'uld were anything but _wanted_. With a quiet smile, she pulled out a pen and wrote a small, pre-emptive entry of her own.

77c. Or "The In-Laws".

Satisfied, she headed for the surface, looking forward to attending Cassie's recital.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Looked like Jack had been up to his old tricks…

78. Do not taunt rogue NID agents.

Daniel's writing, closely followed by Sam's.

78a. Even if they started it.

And then Teal'c had joined in.

78b. Nor if you were pre-empting them starting it.

She glanced across at the former First Prime, who was just about to head back to the lift. "Does he ever take notice when people tell him not to do something?" she asked.

Teal'c lifted a brow. "Indeed not. He has exhibited a tendency to attempt to pursue courses of action which have been forbidden to him."

Janet snorted in a most unrefined manner. "Maybe you should have put that all SGC personnel are to taunt the NID at all possible opportunities…" she muttered.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

General Hammond's aide was evidently getting flack from the people who held the purse strings at the Pentagon.

79. Paper cuts from writing reports do not count as combat injuries and do not qualify for hazard pay.

But yes, there were a number of whiny 'tough-guys' who would do well to heed the rule. It was, quite frankly, amazing how they could get shot up while off-world and reply "I'm fine" every time someone asked if they were okay, up to the point they collapsed, but would whinge like small children over the smallest paper cut.

Maybe she could persuade the General to let her publish a study on it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Janet scowled as she made another entry in the list. With the sudden upswing in 'original' weapons being taken off world, she would have to talk to the General about exactly what was allowed.

80. Nail-guns are not permitted off world.

DIY tools were definitely no-nos. Especially in the hands of SG-14.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Janet was just about to leave for the evening - she had managed to get time off all over Christmas this year, when she noticed that there had been another entry on the List.

81. The Gate is not to be decorated for Christmas

Fair enough. It ate lights and tinsel like they were going out of fashion. But…

81a. Or Chanukah.

How did you decorate a Stargate for Chanukah?

81b. Or the Emperor of Japan's birthday.

Okay, now they were just getting silly.

81c. Or The Scandinavian Festival of Lights.

Really , really silly. Was there a full moon due?

81d. Anyone caught looking up festival days on the base system will be severely reprimanded.

Ah. She didn't think that would stop them for long, but she sincerely hoped that it would put a kybosh on things until the New Year at least.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

That's it for Janet. General Hammond is up next. His chapter will have a little less by way of "Things not to do" and a little more by way of general snarks (or should that be General Snarks?) at why the list really shouldn't be nearly 100 items long, and how to deal with the little darlings.


	6. Chapter 6

#Rubs dust off fic# #Squints at last update date# 

3-16-06. Yikes! I knew there was something I kept forgetting to do!! points at "Snipers" See! I can finish what I start! Well, if the wind is blowing in the right direction and the moon is in the right phase #g#

General Hammond has his say….

&&&&&&&&&&&&

General Hammond frowned at the list. Did he remember the report that had caused this one.

82. "It's cultural" is no defence for your attire.

He wracked his brains as he tried to bring to mind which teams had been on diplomatic missions in recent days.

82a. Even if you have proof.

Ah. That rung a bell. SG-11, he decided. Again.

82b. Nor is it an excuse for THAT dance.

But that was different writing. Which meant there was quite probably something sitting on his desk from last night.

With a sigh, he headed down to his office. Sergeant Harriman would know what was going on.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Well, he had just _known_, after that particular debriefing with SG-6, that the incident with that flying thing from P3X-941 was going to make it to the list. And there it was, large as life.

83. Once again. You may not keep it as a pet.

He was quite surprised that the Captain hadn't actually nailed the creature to the board after it had bitten him twice, though the discussion - if he could call the shouting match which had headed out of his office that - had obviously continued well out of earshot.

83a. If you continue to ask, you and said "pet" will be sent to area 51 for…. Testing.

Frowning, he pulled out a pen.

83b. No one is to be sent to Area 51 for testing without the approval of at least two senior officers and Dr Fraiser.

Satisfied, he headed home, hoping against hope that the list updates would, if not stop entirely, then at least slow down a little.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Even knowing his teams as he did, he rolled his eyes at the next entry.

84. Skippy is not your hero.

They really did have a knack for egging each other on, didn't they. It also appeared that there had been some objection to the original entry.

84a. No, really.

It was with something akin to surprise that he realised the second entry was his 2IC's handwriting. He would have thought that Jack would be all for it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Upon passing the list that morning, he had to give full marks for the ingenuity of the CO who had thought to use that punishent.

85. Teams are not to be sent to "the naughty step". This is against fire regulations.

However, he found himself returning to add to it early in the afternoon after an amusing but potentially deadly variation on the theme.

85a. "The naughty gate-ramp" is not a good idea.

It might not stop them, but maybe attempts to make the list would become less showy….

&&&&&&&&&&

Jack had reported seeing a laughing sergeant Bateman writing on the list and he had felt the need to investigate what the stores sergeant was up to.

86. Don't say "yes" unless you _know_ what the question is.

Well, that was cryptic. Nothing obvious sprung to mind, but he had little doubt that the scuttlebut would eventually reach him. And if not, he could always ply Dr Jackson with coffee. The young man was wise to his scheme, but quite happy to divulge information provided he wasn't obliged to also supply names and dates.

&&&&&&&&&&

The next morning, he caught up with the list and only just succeeded in holding back a wince.

87. Carbonated drinks are not to be given to visitors from off-world.

No, he had to agree, that was a very bad idea. Not having the technology to create such beverages, he was certain that they would either be wary of the drinks, or accuse the SGC of trying to poison them.

87a. This counts double for cola.

Or, he conceded, get their kids hopped up on sugar. And he really wished that he didn't listen to the rumour mill quite so closely.

88. Some things should not be explained.

In fact, some things he would much prefer were not explained. Such, for example, as the reason behind this latest entry.

&&&&&&&&&

As he left for the evening, the next two entries; apropos of nothing but rather, it seemed, from general observation of situations around the base

89. Choosing an inadvisable course of action is not to be referred to as "doing a Kinsey".

89a. Or "doing a Makepeace".

Somehow, he just knew what was coming next.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Maybe he was telepathic. Maybe he should get that checked out by Dr Fraiser.

90. If you miraculously survive against enormous odds, do not claim to have "done an SG-1".

On second thoughts, maybe he should find out if insanity was catching and take a vacation. He could take his grand-daughters to the zoo. Or maybe a shopping mall on second thoughts. The zoo would be more of a busman's holiday….

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Resignedly, General Hammond made another entry on the list. It was somewhat distressing as a commanding officer that you had to explicitly state that certain events were not to be entered onto the list; doubly so when you passed it in the evening to find that entries had been tipexed out in order to comply with orders.

91. Deliberately pursuing a course of action in order to appear on the list will result in one week of unpaid leave.

He had the distinct feeling that fewer odd events were going to be officially reported from now on. He could live with that. After all, plausible deniability was a wonderful thing.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Just the epilogue to go now J


	7. Chapter 7

Whew... final chapter at long, looong last! Onwards!

&&&&&&&&&&

Major Paul Davis blinked at the subject line of the e-mail from Colonel Jack O'Neill. "Auxiliary Rules and Regulations for the Personnel of Project Blue Book," he read to himself. It didn't sound too bad. Not compared to some of the others the Colonel had sent out. But then, there was an attachment…

With a pre-emptive wince, Paul clicked to open the e-mail. Nothing immediately jumped out at him as a prank, so he cautiously continued. Subject line: inoffensive. In fact, for Colonel O'Neill, it was quite bland. Attachment: a Word document. It didn't look large enough to be an all-singing, all-dancing chain e-mail. It bore the same title as the mail itself. On the attachment's side was the fact it had cleared the Pentagon's not inconsiderable firewalls. The downside was that the mail had been originated by one Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF.

Checking the list of recipients revealed little else about the contents. It was a standard list of the officials additions to the rules for a Most Secret, Eyes Only project would have to be-

Wait.

Just wait ONE second. Why had Colonel O'Neill copied the President of the United States in on a mere procedure change document?

Dreading what he was about to see, and much against his better judgement, Paul clicked to open the document.

&&&&&&&&&&&

The President's secretary glanced across at the door of the Oval Office in consternation.

Yes, she decided, that did sound like the President sharing a belly laugh with... She checked her list and raised her eyebrows. She hadn't known that particular Chief of Staff even knew how to laugh!

Shaking her head in surprise, she turned back to her typing.


End file.
